The death of a relationship.

Before anyone freaks out, all two of you reading...I do NOT mean my marriage!  I am referring to my relationship witness Facebook. I'm growing to despise it, so before it gets too ugly, I'm cutting ties.  Maybe we will reconcile at a later date, but I don't foresee it.  I dislike how some posts make me feel. I dislike feeling ignored or unwelcome.  I dislike the drama it imposes upon the lives of friends, family, coworkers, etc.  I'm sure I'll miss some people and some aspects, but in the end, I believe this is the best decision I've made for a long, long time.  Brandon, Robin....feel free to post a link to this if you wish and let people know they can read and/or comment anytime. I do believe I'll be blogging more often.  :):)

Pleasing....

Surely I can't be the only person who tries to please everyone all the time, right? That whole "caring too much" thing is killer. Nothing wrong with helping out and such, but I've got to get a handle on trying to be there for everyone all the time. I just can't do it. Sure wish I could, though. Doesn't mean I care any less for my friends and family, I just know that I have tons of problems to deal with on a personal level and have subconsciously ignored them by helping others; pushing myself deeper and deeper into depression and lonlieness.  Lately I've stayed in my own little bubble and have gone to work and that's about it. I make it to church when I can and/or feel up to it. Sometimes I don't really feel stable enough to go anywhere. I can only hope that people don't think I'm ignoring them or don't care. The "happy face" can only look happy for so long...I believe my alarm went off and its time to face reality. I can't handle the breakdowns and near panic attacks. The total blah feeling all the time. Self-doubt. Sleeping to avoid daylight and dealing with stuff. Guess its time to get some help...

Ahem

Dear devil;
I am writing to inform you that, while your efforts have not gone unnoticed, you are not welcome here to play with my life. This is not the community park's sandbox for you to visit, make a mess and leave. I would greatly appreciate your quick exit from all aspects of my life. 
Currently, this toothache is about to kill me, but I bind this pain and BY HIS WOUNDS I am HEALED. I will NOT suffer anymore physical nor emotional pain by your handy-work without a brutal fight anymore!  Best part is, I DON'T HAVE TO FIGHT YOU!

You've spent a great deal of time causing me to doubt my beliefs and faith. You have put stresses in my life which have caused my will to remain nicotine free to wither away.  You have undoubtedly been the cause of and have taunted me with emotional break downs.  Thankfully, Jesus has placed people in my life to be there when I need pulled from your clutches. 

I will NOT give you anymore attention at the conclusion of this letter. You are not worth my time nor my energy. I know, without a doubt, that you will attempt to steal my salvation for the millionth time, but you are DONE.

Again, ANYTHING you put in my way as a stumbling block, BY HIS STRIPES, are bound.  I am saved by the Grace of Jesus and I thank You Lord for all You've done and will do in my life!

Sincerely,
Rachel Jane

wow....

So I've seen a lot of the coverage of the earthquakes, tsunami and total natural annihilation of Japan plus the nuclear craziness going on and I have to wonder if I'm the ONLY person thinking about the book of Revelation. I'm about 110% sure that I'm not, however, after reading just a few comments on a CNN post on Facebook, I see how many really and truly have NO belief in God, along with near hatred for those who do believe. I totally get witnessing and spreading the message of Jesus, but I tend to be the type to speak less and show more of how much a part of my life Jesus is; so I have major issues with people dragging others down because of their beliefs. I'm not going to attempt to bully you out of your beliefs and into mine, so I'd kinda very like the same respect. I'm not perfect and that's ok with me. I'm a sinner saved by grace and will continue to be a mere sinner saved by grace until the day I die. It's pretty obvious what is going on in the world...Revelation....Hellllooooo! I don't need to preach about that. I guess I should learn to deal with persecution for my beliefs, cause it doesn't look like our future is any brighter until we leave this earth!

The confession list...

This will probably be something I add to randomly, but its pretty blunt, so read at your own risk....

1. I am one of the most insecure people on earth.
2. I have major issues believing people actually like me for me.
3. I cry so much that its pretty sad.
4. I don't often let people see me cry or know that I've cried unless its during a church service.
5. I hate that pcos/infertility has taken over so much of my thoughts....basically my life.
6. Jealousy is rampant in the life of one with pcos.
7. The fine line between being jealous of pregnant people and being happy for them fades more and more each time I learn of another pregnancy and/or birth.
8. I don't want people thinking I'm rude or mean if I avoid baby showers. Most of the time there's a legitimate reason for missing them...like work....boo!
9. I wish people could feel even one day's worth of heart break I feel.
10. I wish I could completely give this struggle to Jesus, but I'm human.
11. I wish I didn't feel like wanting a child is vain.
12. I want people to see that despite the pain, I have hope and faith.
13. I want to be a better friend to anyone and everyone.
14. There are some friendships that have passed away in my life that I don't miss.
15. There are many that I do miss.
16. I feel like I've let so much of my life pass me by that its almost pointless to start now.
17. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm kinda unsure that I ever did....