The death of a relationship.

Before anyone freaks out, all two of you reading...I do NOT mean my marriage!  I am referring to my relationship witness Facebook. I'm growing to despise it, so before it gets too ugly, I'm cutting ties.  Maybe we will reconcile at a later date, but I don't foresee it.  I dislike how some posts make me feel. I dislike feeling ignored or unwelcome.  I dislike the drama it imposes upon the lives of friends, family, coworkers, etc.  I'm sure I'll miss some people and some aspects, but in the end, I believe this is the best decision I've made for a long, long time.  Brandon, Robin....feel free to post a link to this if you wish and let people know they can read and/or comment anytime. I do believe I'll be blogging more often.  :):)

Pleasing....

Surely I can't be the only person who tries to please everyone all the time, right? That whole "caring too much" thing is killer. Nothing wrong with helping out and such, but I've got to get a handle on trying to be there for everyone all the time. I just can't do it. Sure wish I could, though. Doesn't mean I care any less for my friends and family, I just know that I have tons of problems to deal with on a personal level and have subconsciously ignored them by helping others; pushing myself deeper and deeper into depression and lonlieness.  Lately I've stayed in my own little bubble and have gone to work and that's about it. I make it to church when I can and/or feel up to it. Sometimes I don't really feel stable enough to go anywhere. I can only hope that people don't think I'm ignoring them or don't care. The "happy face" can only look happy for so long...I believe my alarm went off and its time to face reality. I can't handle the breakdowns and near panic attacks. The total blah feeling all the time. Self-doubt. Sleeping to avoid daylight and dealing with stuff. Guess its time to get some help...

Ahem

Dear devil;
I am writing to inform you that, while your efforts have not gone unnoticed, you are not welcome here to play with my life. This is not the community park's sandbox for you to visit, make a mess and leave. I would greatly appreciate your quick exit from all aspects of my life. 
Currently, this toothache is about to kill me, but I bind this pain and BY HIS WOUNDS I am HEALED. I will NOT suffer anymore physical nor emotional pain by your handy-work without a brutal fight anymore!  Best part is, I DON'T HAVE TO FIGHT YOU!

You've spent a great deal of time causing me to doubt my beliefs and faith. You have put stresses in my life which have caused my will to remain nicotine free to wither away.  You have undoubtedly been the cause of and have taunted me with emotional break downs.  Thankfully, Jesus has placed people in my life to be there when I need pulled from your clutches. 

I will NOT give you anymore attention at the conclusion of this letter. You are not worth my time nor my energy. I know, without a doubt, that you will attempt to steal my salvation for the millionth time, but you are DONE.

Again, ANYTHING you put in my way as a stumbling block, BY HIS STRIPES, are bound.  I am saved by the Grace of Jesus and I thank You Lord for all You've done and will do in my life!

Sincerely,
Rachel Jane

wow....

So I've seen a lot of the coverage of the earthquakes, tsunami and total natural annihilation of Japan plus the nuclear craziness going on and I have to wonder if I'm the ONLY person thinking about the book of Revelation. I'm about 110% sure that I'm not, however, after reading just a few comments on a CNN post on Facebook, I see how many really and truly have NO belief in God, along with near hatred for those who do believe. I totally get witnessing and spreading the message of Jesus, but I tend to be the type to speak less and show more of how much a part of my life Jesus is; so I have major issues with people dragging others down because of their beliefs. I'm not going to attempt to bully you out of your beliefs and into mine, so I'd kinda very like the same respect. I'm not perfect and that's ok with me. I'm a sinner saved by grace and will continue to be a mere sinner saved by grace until the day I die. It's pretty obvious what is going on in the world...Revelation....Hellllooooo! I don't need to preach about that. I guess I should learn to deal with persecution for my beliefs, cause it doesn't look like our future is any brighter until we leave this earth!

The confession list...

This will probably be something I add to randomly, but its pretty blunt, so read at your own risk....

1. I am one of the most insecure people on earth.
2. I have major issues believing people actually like me for me.
3. I cry so much that its pretty sad.
4. I don't often let people see me cry or know that I've cried unless its during a church service.
5. I hate that pcos/infertility has taken over so much of my thoughts....basically my life.
6. Jealousy is rampant in the life of one with pcos.
7. The fine line between being jealous of pregnant people and being happy for them fades more and more each time I learn of another pregnancy and/or birth.
8. I don't want people thinking I'm rude or mean if I avoid baby showers. Most of the time there's a legitimate reason for missing them...like work....boo!
9. I wish people could feel even one day's worth of heart break I feel.
10. I wish I could completely give this struggle to Jesus, but I'm human.
11. I wish I didn't feel like wanting a child is vain.
12. I want people to see that despite the pain, I have hope and faith.
13. I want to be a better friend to anyone and everyone.
14. There are some friendships that have passed away in my life that I don't miss.
15. There are many that I do miss.
16. I feel like I've let so much of my life pass me by that its almost pointless to start now.
17. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm kinda unsure that I ever did....

Woohoo!

Hopefully I actually got this thing figured out! I'm not even going to beat around the bush and talk about who I am; cause I've got things to say! First off...my crazy Sunday ended up AFREAKINGMAZING at church tonight. Great group sang, can't remember their name but that's ok! All I know is that I saw a family touched and put back together by God's hand! Afreakingmazing! Yes...that's the new fave word in Rachel's world! The group sang this even more afreakingmazing song that was written by one of their singers....I don't have to say my new word again...I'm sure you're aware of how I felt about it. They spoke a little about what its background was and how it seems like the devil hits and hits hard and it feels like the ENTIRE world is crashing down on your head. They talk..Robin's eyes and mine met and were HUGE cause we'd both been through the ringer this past week. Thanks for nothin devil! So we laugh and the song starts. We CRY like the peculiar people we are and see people going to the altar left and right. THEN the son of a regular church member AND his daughter walk down the aisle. KABOOM! The place goes nuts! This man was not just any random lost soul. This man dealt drugs heavily and probably did his fair share. This man is my current earthly hero. We all think we've been SO bad and can't get anything right in life. UMMMM HELLO. Drug dealer....meet Jesus. Devil...get ta steppin! Seriously???? He can ask Jesus to forgive him and lead his life straight and narrow but I can't get over myself to ask for help to find my keys?? WHAT!?!?!? Thanks Mr. reality check. It's been fun.

So that was the latter part of my day. This morning...well...no excuses...I slept as late as possible cause I didn't sleep last night much cause Brandon was gone ALL night at work. Must get used to insane work schedules ASAP! Totally missed church this morning!

Work! In between services...there's this nifty lil thang I have to do called "A JOB" but I'm not complaining! I could be jobless or have a job I despise! And my manager rocks and let's me come in later so I CAN stay the entire morning service! Thanks Kelli! Onto the point....
This lady called Saturday evening for an appointment today, so I booked it and listened to the life/sob story about her hair. We get it alllllllll the time, so its not that big of a deal. I'm thinking she's going to saunter in with a train wreck upon her pretty lil noggin. Totally not the case. She'd had chemotherapy last year and her hair thinned quite a bit. Then the poor woman had some horrific highlights, a terrible cut and then attempted salvation via box color. Whew! She was nervous. Can't blame her. She almost bailed and had every chance to. She even had to run back home for her money she had forgotten before I even got started. Bless her heart! Mind you, she's probably no older than 45, she was just scatter-brained. Through the foiling process, she calmed down but was nearly freakin out when I rinsed her hair out. So we go back to my chair and you could just see the relief on her face. Her color and highlights came out FANTABULOUS! We decide on a cut and I do my thing. Style it and she randomly now has some "not there before" natural curl. Thanks bleach! Even more relief. Me? I was grinning from ear to ear. This lady just needed something to make her feel better. She was inthe dumps big time. I don't know what your career is, but if you never get the chance to help someone with something that would otherwise seem so ridiculously trivial, you're totally missing out!

Here's the REAL point to this super duper long story: I'm blessed to feel this way about giving someone else something to feel good about. Can you even remotely imagine how Jesus must feel when He LITERALLY wipes that slate clean??? MY NAME IS IN HIS BOOK!!! He gave me that relief I saw on my client's face today, but a million times sweeter!!! My story was long, I'm sorry, but the point was simple. Hope someone gets something from this!

<3